Attention, All Bands! Geffen Records has a deal for you!

I came upon this link while surfing for music news this morning:



If you click on over, you'll find a brief come-on, and a button down to the right labeled "Click Here." When you click there, you are presented with a contract.

Let's look at what you get: someone at Geffen Records will listen to your music. Period. That's what you get. It says "top A&R execs at Geffen Records" will review your music. They'll do this by visiting your Web site.

Let's look at what they get: your music, to do whatever they would like to do with it for free for all eternity (including but not limited to this world and the hereafter.) It would appear that they get to do this, even if they don't use your music in the movie.

Let's look at what else they promise: They might use your music in a movie. They might sign you to a deal. If your music is in the movie, they might use your name or picture. It doesn't say they have to.

Let's look at what else you promise: You will not offer any of the music that they might look at to anyone else for anything else for 90 days. If they decide to use any of your music for free for all eternity, you promise that for four (4) more months, you won't even negotiate, let alone sign, a record deal with anyone.

Let's look at the deal you might get: "For purposes hereof, Artist's services as a recording artist shall include Artist's services in connection therewith as a performing and video artist and producer." That means they take a share of your touring income too. In addition, if anyone in the band turns out to be a producer, it looks like Geffen takes a piece of that too.

One more thing, if they find that this deal isn't quite to their satisfaction, you promise to sign anything else they put in front of you. No requirement that it be reasonable.

The part I like best is the preamble, where they tell you to have it looked over by "an attorney, manager, or the smartest friend you can think of." Interesting. Deals like this should really be looked over by a priest, rabbi, imam or some other spiritual advisor.

Without a hint of irony, the folks at Geffen have even included the HTML code necessary for you to easily offer this deal to your friends and beloveds.

My advice: if you are really so desperate and hopeless that you would consider this deal, just drink the poison now.

If you decide to click over and look at the contract, make sure there's nothing sharp near your mouse or keyboard. It would be a really bad time to accidentally yield a drop of blood.